Sold As Is

The Serenity Prayer reminds us of the struggle to control what’s beyond our reach. Al-Anon puts it simply: “I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.” In therapy, I often call this “staying in your lane.”

We hear the same truth in familiar sayings: a leopard can’t change its spots, circles can’t be squares, nature outweighs nurture—or, as My Best Friend’s Wedding puts it, crème brûlée can never be Jell-O. However you phrase it, the message is clear: we cannot change the fundamental nature of people or things.

Yet frustration with this reality shows up in therapy all the time. Maybe it’s resentment toward someone with a different political view, waiting for an apology from someone who won’t take responsibility, or feeling hurt when an alcoholic partner keeps drinking. When we resist what’s true, we’re trying to control it so we don’t have to feel the discomfort it brings. That’s where acceptance comes in. Instead of wrestling with what we can’t change, we acknowledge it. The picture below captures it perfectly.

Acceptance is a powerful time-and energy-saver. Think of one thing you wish were different about someone you love. If you stopped trying to change what’s happening inside of them, how might that shift what’s going on inside you?